Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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