Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
