I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
