Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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