he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
