I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the day after is always just damage control
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
