i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
