just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
