oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
