You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
