Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
