I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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