At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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