i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He passed out mid-signature
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
