i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
