his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
