Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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