I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
