why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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