I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
