turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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