I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
