I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
