He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
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I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
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I will pee on everything he values.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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