I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
