god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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