There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
