God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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