I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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