I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
