rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
