man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
