Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
