So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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