i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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