I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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