remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
