I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
