There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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