You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
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I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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