I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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