you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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