I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The adults are the big ones right?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
