You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
