I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
