I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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