made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
