then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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