you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
