the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
