I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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