Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
