I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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