If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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