6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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