Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
