I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
