and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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