you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
