woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
