ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
