Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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