So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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