i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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