If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
