I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
