My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
