I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
